Ceremony guide · 7 min read
Chinese Family Titles for the Tea Ceremony
At a tea ceremony you do not call anyone by name. You offer the cup and say who they are to you: Grandfather, Second Aunt, Mother.
English has one word for uncle. Chinese has at least five, and which one you use depends on which side of the family he is on and whether he is older or younger than your parent. This page lists the titles you are most likely to need, in Mandarin and Cantonese, with pronunciation.
The right title is whatever that person expects to be called. Families mix dialects, use nicknames, and number their aunts and uncles. Use this page to prepare your questions, then ask each side of the family and write down what they say.
How you use a title at the ceremony
The couple’s line is short. You hold the cup in both hands, say the title, then “please have tea”:
- Mandarin: [title], 请喝茶 (qǐng hē chá)
- Cantonese: [title], 请饮茶 (ceng2 jam2 caa4)
That is all. The host carries the rest.
Mandarin on this page is written in pinyin. Cantonese is in Jyutping, where the number is the tone. If neither means much to you, ask a relative to record each title on your phone. A ten-second voice note is the best pronunciation guide there is.
How the system works
Three questions decide almost every title:
- Which side? Your father’s relatives and your mother’s relatives have different titles.
- Older or younger? Your father’s older brother and his younger brother are different words.
- By blood or by marriage? An aunt who is your parent’s sister and an aunt who married your uncle are different words too.
At the tea ceremony, each of you uses the title your spouse uses. If your wife calls him 舅舅, so do you.
Parents
After the tea ceremony, most couples call each other’s parents what their spouse calls them. In many families this is the moment it first happens, and it is why parents sometimes cry.
- Father — 爸爸 · Mandarin bàba · Cantonese baa4 baa1
- Mother — 妈妈 · Mandarin māma · Cantonese maa4 maa1
Grandparents
- Father’s father — 爷爷 · Mandarin yéye · Cantonese je4 je2
- Father’s mother — Mandarin 奶奶 nǎinai · Cantonese 嫲嫲 maa4 maa4
- Mother’s father — Mandarin 外公 wàigōng · Cantonese 公公 gung4 gung1
- Mother’s mother — Mandarin 外婆 wàipó · Cantonese 婆婆 po4 po2
In northern China, the mother’s parents are often 姥爷 (lǎoye) and 姥姥 (lǎolao) instead.
Your father’s side
- Father’s older brother — Mandarin 伯伯 bóbo · Cantonese 伯父 baak3 fu6
- His wife — Mandarin 伯母 bómǔ · Cantonese 伯娘 baak3 noeng4
- Father’s younger brother — 叔叔 · Mandarin shūshu · Cantonese suk1 suk1
- His wife — Mandarin 婶婶 shěnshen · Cantonese 阿婶 aa3 sam2
- Father’s sister — Mandarin 姑姑 gūgu · Cantonese 姑妈 gu1 maa1 if she is older than your father, 姑姐 gu1 ze1 if she is younger
- Her husband — Mandarin 姑父 gūfu · Cantonese 姑丈 gu1 zoeng2
Your mother’s side
- Mother’s brother — Mandarin 舅舅 jiùjiu · Cantonese 舅父 kau5 fu2
- His wife — Mandarin 舅妈 jiùmā · Cantonese 舅母 kau5 mou5
- Mother’s sister — Mandarin 阿姨 āyí · Cantonese 姨妈 ji4 maa1 if she is older than your mother, 阿姨 aa3 ji1 if she is younger
- Her husband — Mandarin 姨父 yífu · Cantonese 姨丈 ji4 zoeng2
Older brothers, sisters and cousins
Older siblings and cousins are usually served last. Younger ones are not served. In many families they serve tea to the couple instead, and receive a red envelope.
- Older brother — 哥哥 · Mandarin gēge · Cantonese go4 go1
- His wife — Mandarin 嫂子 sǎozi · Cantonese 阿嫂 aa3 sou2
- Older sister — Mandarin 姐姐 jiějie · Cantonese 家姐 gaa1 ze1
- Her husband — 姐夫 · Mandarin jiěfu · Cantonese ze2 fu1
Older cousins usually take the same four titles, sometimes with 表 (biǎo) or 堂 (táng) in front. Ask.
Numbers and nicknames
When there are several of the same relative, families number them by birth order: 大 (dà, eldest), 二 (èr, second), 三 (sān, third), and 小 (xiǎo) for the youngest. So your father’s eldest brother is 大伯 (dà bó) and your mother’s second sister is 二姨 (èr yí).
Many families also speak Hokkien, Teochew, Hakka or Shanghainese at home, and use those titles instead. This is the commonest reason a title you found online turns out to be wrong for your family.
How to prepare your list
- Ask each set of parents who will be served, and in what order.
- For each person, write the name, the relationship, and the title in characters.
- Next to it, write how it sounds, in whatever spelling the person who has to say it can read.
- Note who sits together. Couples are usually served as a pair.
- Give the finished list to your host a week before, not on the morning.
Sample host script and running order →
Questions couples ask
What does a partner who is not Chinese call the elders?
The same titles their spouse uses. Elders rarely mind an accent and almost always notice the effort. If a family would rather be called by English names, they will say so.
Mandarin or Cantonese?
Whichever that elder speaks. In a mixed family you may use Cantonese titles for one side and Mandarin for the other. That is normal.
What if I say the wrong title on the day?
Someone will correct you, people will laugh, and you carry on. It is a family moment, not an exam. A written list in the host’s hand prevents most of it.
What do the elders call us?
By your name, as before. Titles go up the generations, not down.
Are the characters here simplified or traditional?
Simplified. In traditional characters 妈 is 媽, 爷 is 爺 and 婶 is 嬸. The pronunciation is the same.
Put the titles where your host can read them
The Tea & Vows kit includes a bilingual host script you can edit line by line, so the titles your family settled on sit in the script itself. Building and previewing it is free.
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